Waiting to Want

All I wanted to do after the Boston Marathon was run, but I couldn’t. The truth is that I was in pretty bad shape after Boston. I limped/hobbled/grit my teeth and tried not to whine my way around Boston for the two days we were there after Marathon Monday. In hindsight, I think my left calf cramped up around mile 21. I wasn’t really aware of it at the time, and even if I had been, I seriously doubt I would have stopped or slowed down. At the end of the day, though, I paid hefty price for that PR.

In the 13 days between the Boston and Big Sur Marathons, I attempted to run three times. Each time, I made it less than 2 miles before ending up back home in tears. My left calf hurt like hell, my form was terrible, and I could barely even sustain a 12-minute mile. How was I supposed to run another marathon if I couldn’t even run two miles?!? “I have to run,” I thought. In the end, I took a huge leap of faith, hopped on a plane, and managed to finish the Big Sur Marathon. A story that I promise I will share with you soon. Very soon.

With Big Sur behind me, I decided that I had earned a break. It wasn’t intended to be a no-running break, just a no-pressure break. If I wanted to run, I would run. If I didn’t want to run, I wouldn’t. And with all the craziness of our upcoming move, I figured I had plenty to keep me busy.

Much to my surprise, I had no desire whatsoever to run. So I didn’t.  (Unfortunately, I also didn’t stop eating like I was running. But that too is a story for another day!)

Determined to get back into the swing of things, this past Sunday, I laid out my running clothes and vowed to get up and run the next morning. Still, it didn’t happen. Those darn clothes sat in our bathroom every single day this week, reminding me that I had abandoned my sport. Yet, still, I didn’t seem to care. Until yesterday.

Yesterday, something snapped. I’ve been feeling out of sorts all week – my body was sluggish, my brain was cloudy, and I just didn’t feel ‘right’. Finally, I wanted to run.

I woke up this morning and laced up my sneakers for the first time in 12 days. I had no idea what to expect, but I was going to run gosh darn it. Before I’d even hit the end of our driveway, I was running, and it felt amazing. In the first half mile, suddenly the world felt ‘right’ again. Sure, my body felt uncoordinated, my left calf was still talking back, my knees were achy, and my heart rate was elevated. But I was so happy just to be running that I didn’t care.

Of course, it probably helped that this is one of the last runs I will do in the neighborhood we’ve called home for the last six years. Like a dork, I teared up at one point, but then reminded myself that this move is all about fresh starts and new beginnings – not endings.

As I enjoyed my surroundings, I was struck by what a difference it made to want to do things instead of feeling like I have to do things. By waiting to run until I wanted to, I had a renewed appreciation for the fact that I can run, and my body rewarded me with a great run. By moving because I want to instead of feeling like we have to, I am incredibly content with our decision, I am excited about the future, and things have fallen into place perfectly.

While doing only what you want is obviously not always the best policy, I am trying to turn my icky list of “have to’s” into a list “want to’s.” The next 7 days of packing, cleaning, signing my life away at closing appointments, coordinating movers, more cleaning, unpacking, and moving in will be a bumpy ride. But, ultimately, I am doing it because I want to. Brad and I decided that this move was right for us, and these are the steps it takes to get us there. And, with my passion for running restored, I just might maintain my sanity throughout the whole thing.

Wish me luck! 🙂

xoxo ~your busy little B

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About Beth

Wife, daughter, big sis, aunt, friend, attorney, runner, cyclist, amateur chef & aspiring photographer. Thanks for keeping up with my life on the run!
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One Response to Waiting to Want

  1. Chriseda says:

    ALL the luck to you. YAY!

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